Last week a reader named Mike mentioned that he was having a hard time dealing with the sudden passing of his father. I was very humbled by the responses from our other readers who gave advice on how to deal with the grieving process. The comments were so wonderful and heartfelt that I thought they would be nice to share with everyone. So here they are. I have edited a few of them just to add detail or bring consistency to the overall post.
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1. Embrace the sorrow. Sorrow is not the opposite of happiness. Sorrow can be called the “beautiful sadness” when the feeling comes from a mixture of great appreciation and extreme longing for the loved one who has passed. It takes a human being a while to adjust to major changes in the world, such as the disappearance of a major pillar of our lives. – YB
2. Do something positive in your father’s name. You could start a charity or a scholarship fund. Make a donation. Plant a tree or something else that you can watch grow. This can help to ease the sadness back into joy. – Joy W.
3. Remember what your father taught you. You can ease the grieving process by remembering what your Father meant to you when he was here, what he taught you and how much he loved you. Time will do the rest. One day you will just remember his good years and be grateful. I lost mine too tragically and needlessly. Now I remember how much he loved and was pleased with me. Talk about him. Even talk TO him. – Miranda
4. Accept the pain. You can accept the pain and give yourself time to heal, mentally and physically, and understand you need time. We all get upset and lose people we love in ways that were unexpected. It’s ok to be angry and hurt. Validating that your feelings are ok and giving yourself the time to deal with it is key. Some people try to put on a face so others don’t see their pain. That just drags on the pain. Acknowledge it, face it, deal with it and then you can move on. Focus on all of the happy times you had with your dad. Celebrate his life after you mourn his death. – Christina
5. Don’t put a timer on the pain. Mike, that is a hard one to bear. I am sorry for your loss. Losing a parent tragically and suddenly throws you for a loop. I lost my mother unexpectedly. One day she was here, the next gone. My father lived almost 20 years without, when he suddenly took a turn and was rushed to the hospital and died within hours. Just last year, my brother died of cancer. I feel robbed. I can only tell you that you must deal with your grief first and don’t put a timer on it. Some of us spring back easier than others. Eventually, you’ll allow yourself to smile again, laugh and remember sweet, happier times with you father. The cutting-to-the-heart sadness will always be there, but it will soften over time. – Becki
6. Grow from the Pain. Mike, first I’m sorry to hear of your profound loss. With an event like that, just staying with those difficult feelings when you can and taking time out for self-care and family support is a huge achievement. Courageously experiencing our felt sense of grief is an enormously powerful growth experience, although we wouldn’t wish it on anyone else. Kahlil Gibran wrote “Pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding” and I have come to feel the truth of that. I think a better word than “happy” for a truly centered and healthy person is “joyful” – we can be in contact with the joy and mystery of life even when we aren’t happy, even when grief and loss take center stage in our personal experience. Being present with our experience as much as we can reminds us of our larger belonging, our timeless self. – Chris
7. Focus on the good things. Accept that your father is in the best place and for you to focus on things good in your life no matter how small. Focusing on the things you can change will put you in a better state of mind. – Samantha
8. Connect meaningfully with others. Mike, very sorry about your loss. No happy successful person is happy all the time – otherwise, he is a phony. Finding the right approach to deal with tragedy is a very personal thing… You will find yours, I am sure. Pain in the short run is unavoidable, and that’s ok. The goal is to not let the pain break you in the long run. For me (and that’s the personal part which may not work for you), what worked was an intense focus on the present day, and attempting to connect with others meaningfully – also to find outlets to express my frustration and anger – also to spend time in nature – and finally to forget all the silly talk about how every experience can be positive and instead realize that life is a school for the spirit, and not every lesson is pleasant… Take care, and kudos for your journey. – Stan
9. Believe that someone is in control. Any loss like this is not easy…I lost my Dad about 7 years ago. But contentment/happiness is not the same as no trouble come your way. Perhaps most important is a belief that God is in control, no matter what. – Christoph
10. Keep the memories. It’s very difficult to do. Over time you have to let go of the loss and keep the memories of the time together. I’ve lost both of my parents, and though their loss makes me sad, the memories of the times we did have together remain and make me happy. I am able to share the memories of my parents with my children, and that in its self brings me happiness too. You will find it, it just takes time. – Dave
11. One day at a time. You have to handle it the same way sad and broke people do, one day at a time. Only time will heal the wound. – Rich
12. Pain is proportional to the amount you loved. Dear Mike, I don’t know you but I’m sorry for your loss – I struggle with bereavements and accepting the loss of anyone close to me. Always remember that your pain is only ever equal to how much you loved – this is a gift in life, and something to be cherished. Good luck and I hope this thought brings you some comfort. – CF
13. Believe that everything happens for a reason. I, too, lost my Dad tragically. It wasn’t sudden… he diminished over 10 years with Alzheimer’s, and it was excruciating to watch my friend and mentor waste away to oblivion. The loss is always with me, but I believe the process of grief has strengthened my resolve to live my life fully and to take things “one day at a time,” I believe that prayer is answered when we welcome everything, even the crap that life throws our way. Be strong, be happy, and be aware that everything really does happen for a reason. – Tanya
I just want to add that everyone grieves differently and no one can fully understand all aspects of an individuals suffering. At some point we do have to find a place for our sorrow. If it stays at the front of our thoughts it will start to define us. It will direct all of our actions and eventually consume us. When the time feels right, do not get rid of the sorrow. Put it in a special place in your heart so that you can always remember the good times, the love, and the appreciation you have for them and the life they lived.
Kris
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Thanks for this post–I lost my mom in July 2012 and it’s comforting to read others’ stories and how they cope and move through their grief and with their grief. Great read!
Sorry to hear about your mom. I hope there was something in this post that brought you comfort. I have not dealt with loss of a parent yet and I hope that when the time comes I will be able to take comfort from the words of others.
Thanks so much–yes, I did find comfort in many of the items shared in this post. I have started writing a book, which has been both therapeutic and scary (LOL) …yes, the words of others and the network of friends and family you have around you will be very important as you will rely on them deeply.
Thank you,my ten yr. old son died tragically 16 months ago from a asthma attack. The pain is still
Unbearable at times,it is different from losing a parent,I know from personal experience. My life has been full of loss,mom,dad,brother,sister,and now my son. God Bless us All.
I just happened to listen to something on the same subject this morning – it moved me and helped me to realize how important our eternal perspective is in helping one another with grief, growth, and love (specifically at the 29:20 mark): http://www.mormonchannel.org/conversations/elder-shayne-m-bowen
I lost both of my parents in a four month period of time. 15 months later lost my 18 year old daughter in a tragic car accident. I just hit the four month mark two days ago. I am very raw in the grieving process but have jounrnaled about the process on fb. Here is a post from a few days ago. Courage….when I was a child I thought courage was getting back up when something knocked me down….While this is true, I have learned it is so much more.
Courage is getting out of bed in the morning, reading something uplifting, facing the challenges of another day, with the complexities of life that make the bed so appealing…
Courage is putting on my mother hat, taking the high road, when I want to be completely self obsorbed….
Courage is choosing to smile even when joy seems illusive, vanished… gone
Courage is leaving my house, engaging in conversations about trivial things, when my brain is screaming other wise…
Courage is openly expressing, being vulnerable…
Courage is saying I’m sorry, even when no ill will was ever intended….
Courage is accepting the Lord’s will when I have no idea what he is trying to teach me…
Courage is also choosing to be grateful, even in the most trying of circumstances…
Courage is looking outside my own problems, caring about another, choosing to love, even when it isn’t returned as I would hope or like it to be…
Courage is discovering my weaknesses and choosing to again work on change, even if it seems to be a futile effort,…
Courage is loving myself even when I look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person looking back at me…
Courage is seeking Christ, when I feel such dispair…
Courage is asking for help when you already feel so endebted…
Courage is saying no, even when you know it will disappoint another, or be misunderstood..
Courage is looking for the good, ignoring the difficult, trying to see others divine worth…
Courage is trying to move forward with life…
Courage is exposing feelings, admitting weaknesses…..
Eric I love that talk…
I am going to pass this along (at the appropriate time) to my cousin whose best friend died in a tragic accident this week. Sometimes when things don’t make sense we can find comfort from others who have been there too.
Life……death……heavenly life……The thought that I personally believe I will be with my beloved ♥Mother♥Dad♥brother♥sister♥ is ever so comforting to me through the deep sorrow dealt with/being dealt with over each of their losses.
Realizing we each much deal with our own personal grief in our own way and in our own time as needed, our loss of our loved one(s) must be dealt with for our own personal being. I feel the need to share my personal grieving experience because, due to not handling it in a timely manner, I am currently recovering from a stroke caused by the extreme stress overall.
My dear ♥Dad♥ passed away, 92 years of age, 2003, old age…… My dearest ♥Sister♥ passed away, June 2012, cancer. Both my dear ♥Dad♥ and ♥Sister♥ lived in WA State; and, I reside in CA. Fall, 2012 I travelled to WA for the sole purpose of seeking closure.
My breaking point…… My dear ♥Sister♥ has a beautiful daughter, who was her caregiver for the majority of time she suffered and eventually lost her courageous battle to evil cancer.
On the day of my dear ♥Sister♥ passing, my beautiful ♥niece♥ was released from the hospital after having surgery due to……cancer! “Thank GOD” she was able to be with her dear Mother as she passed.
Due to circumstances beyond family control, a Celebration of Life “may be” held, June, 2013 for my dear ♥Sister♥.
In the meantime, while visiting WA, my dear ♥Dad’s♥ ashes were buried next to my dear ♥Mother♥. Know that I do feel comfort and a bit of closure having my dear ♥Dad♥ buried next to my dear ♥Mother♥.
The extreme stress, due to the loss of my dear ♥Sister♥, dealing with my dear ♥Dad’s♥
ashes, almost ten years later; and, my dear ♥niece♥ diagnosed with cancer pushed me over my limit. Extreme stress contributed to high blood pressure causing a blood clot in my left eye, a stroke in my eye!
To date, I am recovering; although, I have a visual blind spot, in my eye, due to the stroke.
I stress……take care of yourself; as, no one will take better care of you than you! Allow yourself to grieve; but in time, your own time, seek closure.
How important it is to build forever memories; as, those forever memories will turn into forever treasured memories. In times of need, think about those beautiful treasured memories with love, happiness and peace; afterall, this is what our loved ones would want…… ~♥~
lost my dad in july 2012.. he would have turned 59, 2 days back if he were still around.. i miss him :/ been 9 months, i still end up crying sometimes.. but yes, talking TO him makes me feel better, i end up crying then too, because i feel better sharing my problems with him.. how i wish i could hear his views on everything good and bad thats going on in my life right now. :/
lost my sister 3 years ago, she was murdered, shot 3 times, then her body burned. i now have her daughter, my niece, to take care of, as her exhusband is the one who killed her, then he committed suicide…the grieving has been a hard process…in the beginning just shock,,,,,focusing everything on my niece at home, and trying to go into robot mode at work….my mantra was to “just breathe”….but, now, 3 years later, i still go through episodes of great grief, and still try to hold it in as i fear if i give in to it, i won’t be able to get out of it…..but i come out of them sooner….there are now some days i only think about it once or twice a day, instead of every hour….so…it is progress….i am able to talk about it now…i wasn’t for the first 2 years, so it gets better…but, yeah, everyone has their own timeclock….
Oh dear Liz, I am so sorry for your tragic loss of your dear Sister. My heart cries with you.
What a blessing you are to your niece. Build positive, happy memories through pictures. Perhaps you might want to consider making a beautiful scrapbook of pictures with the help of your niece. Make it a family project. Maybe one day your niece will be able to share it with her children.
My thoughts and prayers are being sent your way often for your continued strength, comfort and peace upon you and your dear niece over your tragic loss.
Remember……one small step……one day at a time. Keep the treasured, cheerful memories alive often.
Thank you Kris… This is the best quote so far about grieving. Brought tears into my eyes, but I understand better now what I must try to do : put the sorrow in a special place so it doesn’t define me. I lost my dad, who was also a friend and a confident, in January 2012 from ALS… Thank you again for your kind words.
I loved this post and hope it goes viral for all those that need to just grieve. What I had to come to terms with was #5 in not putting a timer on the pain. It was so hard to lose a close friend and see everyone getting over it and past it so seemingly quickly. I just couldn’t get myself to do it, I started to obsess and stress over getting past my loss.Finally I realized I am not bound by anyone to get one with anything, I grieved pridefully and then all of a sudden I was OK again. Thank you for this beautiful article.